


Hotel Intern but not really By Intern Supreme Deluxe like this image to instantly b r e a t h e

by Pamphylia



Category: Doom (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, FML, help me, implied doomguy/marauder, jojo and super mario references as well as a copypasta, open the door get on the floor somebody is hold me at gun point, samuel haydne is n o mo r, who wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:55:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pamphylia/pseuds/Pamphylia
Summary: Swing your arms from side to side
Relationships: Doom Slayer | Doomguy/Marauder(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	Hotel Intern but not really By Intern Supreme Deluxe like this image to instantly b r e a t h e

**Author's Note:**

> phrog please help me

The Intern and Supervisor walked peacefully through the nice sidewalk of a nice carrier, ready to start the day at the ARC, and of course help the Doom Slayer. But just as they were going to enter the main area, a skeptical figure comes out from the corner, and laughs maniacally. The Intern voice cheered through, “Nice of Samuel Hayden to let us beat his fucking stupid robot ass, eh, Supervisor?”

“I hope he doesn’t come back at all,” The Supervisor replied gloomily. Before the older man could reply however, the Intern spoke out, “Supervisor, look!” Attached to the Intern’s chair was a large note with nice cursive writing in it, he took it out and read it loudly, “It’s from The Dark Lord! Dear asshole ARC employees, the demons and I have taken over Urdak. The Doom Slayer is now a permanent guest at one of my seven jekkad hotels. I dare you to catch him if you can!” 

Taking full consideration of what the Dark Lord has sent to the both of them, the Intern shouted, “We gotta find Doomguy!”

“And you gotta help us!” The Supervisor said, looking straight at the reader. The Intern informed, “If you need instructions on how to get through the hotels, check out the enclosed instruction book”

And then his face froze.

“Yo, Intern. Are you experiencing low budget animation cuts again lmao” He asked, The Intern nodded, “oh ok ms fritz i’m boutta head out,” supervisor spoke before leavin, and said, “yare yare daze,”

At one of the Jekkad hotels, the Marauder was sitting next to doomguy while the dark lord played virtual chess. And then Samur Makyr fucking jumped through the damn window, carrying a bottle of wine and crackers, saying “Hey Dark Lord wanna see me speedrun my entire capitalist career? Wanna see me do it again?”

Marauder didn’t like what he said and retorted with, “Cringe boomer lol,” Doomguy nodded almost instantaneously. Sammy Hayds didn’t like that shit either and replied so angy that he just said, “What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Oxford University, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret meetings at the UAC, and I have over 300 PhDs. I am trained in the accumulation of Argent Energy and I’m the top scientist in the entire UAC Mars. You are nothing to me but just another simpleton. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Realm, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over here? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the ARC and your demonic signal is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, demon. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, Marauder. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my crucible. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Government and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the universe, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo,” in garbled text so he couldn’t really speak. Lmao.

“Damn bro,” Marauder said sarcastically, “Shut the fuck up,” and then suplexed Sammy like the dumb idiot he is. Fuck your Sammy Hayds.

Then fucked up Sammy said weakly, “t̘̟̼̉̈́͐͋͌̊h͚̖̜̍̃͐e̮̟͈̣̖̰̩̹͈̾ͨ̑͑y͉̝͖̻̯ͮ̒̂ͮ͋ͫͨ d̥̝̮͙͈͂̐̇ͮ̏̔̀̚ͅi̞̟̫̺ͭ̒ͭͣd̥̝̮͙͈͂̐̇ͮ̏̔̀̚ͅn͉̠̙͉̗̺̋̔ͧ̊t̘̟̼̉̈́͐͋͌̊ e̮̟͈̣̖̰̩̹͈̾ͨ̑͑v̪̩̜̜̙̜ͨ̽̄e̮̟͈̣̖̰̩̹͈̾ͨ̑͑n͉̠̙͉̗̺̋̔ͧ̊ k̲̱̠̞̖ͧ̔͊̇̽̿̑ͯͅn͉̠̙͉̗̺̋̔ͧ̊o̜̓̇ͫ̉͊ͨw̠̘̗͖̮̥ͣ̽ͫ͂ i̞̟̫̺ͭ̒ͭͣ d̥̝̮͙͈͂̐̇ͮ̏̔̀̚ͅi̞̟̫̺ͭ̒ͭͣd̥̝̮͙͈͂̐̇ͮ̏̔̀̚ͅ i̞̟̫̺ͭ̒ͭͣt̘̟̼̉̈́͐͋͌̊ t̘̟̼̉̈́͐͋͌̊o̜̓̇ͫ̉͊ͨ e̮̟͈̣̖̰̩̹͈̾ͨ̑͑m̘͈̺̪͓̺ͩ͂̾ͪ̀̋,” and then died lol.

‘We did it boys,’ Doomguy signed, ‘Sammy Hayds is no more,’

“Wait what about Super Intern Bros.” The Marauder innocently asked, and Doomguy signed with, ‘Idk’ 

‘jk the writer just forgot what the meaning of plot is lmao, come, we kiss like men,’ Doomguy signed quickly, and then Intern and Supervisor rolled out of the table where Davoth was playing chess in and Supervisor was like, “Yare Yare Daze,” 

Then the Intern said, “YOU THOUGHT THE DARK LORD WOULD KIDNAP YOU BUT IT WAS ME, INTERN!”

‘Oh pog lmao,’

“Damn, I really wanted to play fortnite with The Father,”, The Dark Lord said, “Aight I’m out, see ya at the next DLC bitches,” and then he dipped out of existence. And then Doomguy Marauder and Intern speedrunned minecraft, and the supervisor went on to cosplay yoshikage kira from jojo’s bizarre adventure part four.

END 

—————

  
  


“What the hell is this?” Samur asked angrily, “Why am I like that? I’m not like that at all!” Intern replied confidently, shushing samur on the lips, “It’s fanfiction, and it is art,”

“Shush me again and I rip off your hand…” He scowled. Intern stood still and a bit afraid, “Care to tell me why this was written in the first place?”

“Not gonna lie, Samur, Intern did put you in an accurate light,” Elena Richardson said, reading one of the paragraphs, “At least this copypasta was good enough to show your true colors, but what I don’t understand what these references are. Are these… JoJo and Super Mario references, Intern?” She asked him, “They’re my favorite,” He answered shyly.

“Jesus Christ, this company is such a mess,” The Supervisor spoke out loud, “Why am I saying ‘Yare Yare Daze’? Aren’t you supposed to say that?” He asked. “Why join the ARC in the first place…” Samur whispered, and Intern said, “I cosplayed DIO once, I like him more anyway,”

The DoomSlayer did nothing but stare at the extra paper from the fanfic intern wrote, and couldn’t help but giggle at one of them. He signed, ‘I can’t wait for The Marauder to read this,’ and went into the already opened portal. Everyone stood silent.

Meanwhile, while the Marauder read this, he said out loud, “Who in the ever living fuck wrote this?”

AND THEN DAVOTH CAME IN AND FUCKING SIMUTANEOUSLY WHIPPED AND NAE NAE’D AND EVERYONE SCREAMED LIKE A BANSHEE

SAMUR FUCKING SAID OPEN THE DOOR GET ON THE FLOOR EVERYBODY DO THE DINOSAUR AND THEN DIPPED FROM THE UNIVERSE FROM ALL ETERNITY AFTER READING COOKBOOK MAGAZINES AND PHONE ADS

He-Hey Paisanos! It’s The Super Intern Bros. Supa Show!

Do the Intern! Swing your arms from side to side

Come on, it's time to go. Do the Intern!

Take one step, and then again

Let's do the Intern, all together now! You got it! It's the Intern! Do the Intern!

Swing your arms from side to side

Come on, it's time to go. Do the Intern!

Take one step, and then again

Let's do the Intern, all together now!

Come on now. Just like that!

I don’t know what capitalism is and at this point i’m afraid to ask.

**Author's Note:**

> DO DO DO DO JUST LIKE THAT


End file.
